When I first read the announcement, I really wanted it to be true. Pat McAfee – former NFL punter, current sports media blowhard, practitioner of fabricated media beefs, and bro-tastic tank-top aficionado employed by ESPN to the tune of $30 million per year (and likely soon to be $60 million per year) who still manages to break out the full Dangerfield on occasion – planned to release an album.
Oh, I thought, please be real. Don’t be a hoax. Stuff like this totally hits my sweet spot ever since good ol’ Bill Shatner gave us this sublime recording in 1968:
Yup, Captain Kirk himself proved that just because you’re not a “musician” and can’t “sing,” there’s nothing preventing you – as long as you’re famous and ego-driven enough – from releasing an album. Aside from the fame and the ego, wasn’t that the lesson of the scene at CBGB in the late ‘70s? Forget the MC5 or the Stooges. Maybe William Shatner is the true starting point for punk rock.
In the ‘80s, Hollywood luminaries from Eddie Murphy to Don Johnson to Bruce Willis to David Hasselhoff followed Shatner’s lead by releasing albums (OK, “luminary” might be a stretch here and there, but I’ll defend some of Don Johnson’s work in his later years).
And now, continuing in this hallowed lineage, we have Pat McAfee, who dropped The Diary of a Polarizing Figure today.
The music on the 14-track album can be best described as a mix of bro-country and hip-hop, the latter genre primarily represented by AutoTune, some generic beats and McAfee’s attempts at rapping. It’s standard, unremarkable modern country guitar chords. I’m sure the session musicians earned their money, but if we learn later on that AI at least partially contributed to this album I wouldn’t be stunned.
Then there are the lyrics. When he announced this album, McAfee said, “For as long as I can remember, my mere existence has made people hate my guts … if I was to die, I’d like my kids to know exactly who their dad is.” If that was the goal, I’d say mission accomplished.
The album opens with “Pitbull & A Mugshot,” McAfee’s attempt at painting himself as regular folk, rapping about “when bills start stacking” and “Powerball dreams,” imploring people to “raise your smoke, whatever’s your drink, we’re more alike than you think.” These are nice sentiments, but more than a little cringey coming from the guy making bank while a sizable chunk of his own company is laid off.
“Smokin” is about – you guessed it – weed. Good for you, man. This might have been interesting 35 years ago.
“Blue Collar Symphony” finds McAfee singing about growing up with limited means but learning to “get creative on how to get the bag.” Similarly, on “Young Me,” McAfee is telling his younger self that it will all work out, and in the context of this album that tends to mean making a crap-ton of money. McAfee’s accumulation of wealth is one of the persistent themes on this album.
Along those lines, “OOPS” – a song that’s somehow either one long verse or one long chorus, I can’t tell which – actually made me laugh out loud. As in, sitting by myself at 8am, listening on headphones to not wake the family, laughing so hard I nearly spit out my coffee at the opening line “Oops I start another pod today” followed soon by “If we’re all talkin’ shit, I got a lot to say.” Later on he adds what must be his daily mantra: “I used to not have shit now I got a bidet.” Put that on his tombstone.
Which brings me to the other thing McAfee wants you to know – we’re all gonna die one day. Yup, bro’s a deep thinker too. “You’re Alive” opens with “There’s a dash between two dates / The second one is never late / Never know when it’s comin’ / Wish we had a better way.” Is McAfee seeking immortality or advance knowledge of the date of his own death? Sounds like something he came up with during the events that inspired “Smokin.”
I hope the AutoTune got time-and-a-half on “Polarizing Figure,” as you can hear it straining to assist McAfee in hitting notes like a kid stretching for a cookie jar just out of reach. The lyrics do McAfee no favors, as he describes himself both as someone who encourages strong negative feelings (“Folks you never met wishing for your demise”) and an introspective soul (“Would you still do the journey with what you’re now knowin’?”). Radical thought – I’m guessing his answer would be 60 million yes’s.
“No One Ever Knows” is the mandatory reggae-inspired track. Why does this keep happening, country bros dabbling in island sounds? Is this because country fans embraced Jimmy Buffet (or vice versa)? The song is about how great life is but opens with a line about a dead dog. Mind boggling. I throw my hands up at this one. I got nothing.
Because I wanted to listen to the album in sequence as the “artist” intended, it took all my willpower not to jump straight to track 10 – “Rich as Shit.” Another LOL coffee-spit moment right at the start, with the opening line hitting all the McAfee priorities (“I wanna be rich as shit before I die / ‘Cause I been broke no joke I’m talking pennies and dimes”). He later adds, “we’re all floating through space, I’m trying to upgrade the ride.” This is a grown-ass millionaire with lyrics that sound like post-bong rip deep thoughts echoing from a dorm room at Wharton.
(Also just an aside, but all this mention of death from a guy who hasn’t turned 40 yet, maybe put down the mic and the blunt and talk to a therapist?)
Album closer “Cheers to the South” is straight Southern cosplay for a dude who grew up outside Pittsburgh and played pro ball in Indianapolis (I guess his college years at West Virginia might count). It would be mostly harmless country hellraising if not for the opening line “Cheers to our destinies,” which reeks of a dog whistle that’s just unspecific enough to allow McAfee to be offended by anyone getting offended.
You’d think that, if I gave Pitchfork-style numerical ratings, I’d be inclined to throw the full Blutarsky (“Zero. Point. Zero.”) at The Diary of a Polarizing Figure. On the contrary. I love and appreciate that celebrities famous for other forms of entertainment continue their misguided attempts at recorded music (and make no mistake, despite being employed by a semi-journalistic entity like ESPN, McAfee is first and foremost an entertainer). I’m truly grateful for America’s one endless natural resource – celebrity-fueled ego.
Don’t get me wrong. This album is truly terrible. Forgettable music, groan-inducing lyrics. Easily the front-runner for worst album of the year. But I’m thrilled that it exists. In an era of stars that are carefully managed and media trained, it’s refreshing that we have Pat McAfee still willing to act as a throwback to prime Hasselhoff. Maybe McAfee’s record will be big in Germany too. We might not see something like this again for a while, at least until Stephen A. Smith’s presidential campaign.
I’ll give McAfee credit for one thing – as promised, now we all know who he really is. (Brian)
I love songs that proclaim some version of You’re Alive! While also clearly being part robot…
Also, Shatner had a great comeback, my favorite track on his later album being "Live Life like you’re going to die, because you’re going to". 10/10
What a time to be alive!